-That boy is our last hope -I do not see a boy. I see a warrior. -Ha ha! Look. ♪♪♪♪ -Oh, word? ♪♪♪♪ [ Music continues indistinctly
over headphones ] -Chad! Chad! -Oh.
[ Music stops ] What up, Miss Handler? [ Vacuum stops ] Hey. -Oh, my God. Chad — No, no, Chad.
We can't do this anymore. -Oh, okay. -Wait. -I couldn't sleep last night -Oh, I hate that.
-What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who's having an affair
with her 23-year-old pool boy? I mean, what is this?
-Your kitchen. -No, I mean us. I really hope you understand
but we have to end this. -Okay. -God, I had no idea
it would be this hard. It's just when at first — [ Vacuum starts ] Chad! -What up? -You deserve an explanation! -Oh, okay, cool.
[ Vacuum stops ] -Look, you've done
nothing wrong, okay? I should have known better
but I don't know, it was just — it was fun. It was new. -Okay.
-But, my God. I'm a married woman
with three kids. My husband's on
the city council. I'm the PTA president
at Melanie's school. -Who's Melanie?
-My daughter. -Okay. -God, if this got out,
it would just ruin my life our family's lives.
-Aw. My bad. -But, God, all I want you to d
is clear the bags off this table and take me right now.
-Okay. -But you can't.
-Oh, okay. -Because I've learned that
sometimes getting what you wan means losing
what you already have. Look, I — I wrote this
for you last night. -Oh, okay. -Oh, my God, I'm blushing. I just want you to know I'm no
a very good writer, okay? And, I mean,
it's not sophisticated, but it's how I feel. I just — I mean every wor of what I wrote. -Whoa! Hey, Miss Handler! I found a dead squirrel
in your pool! [ Chuckles ] ♪♪♪♪ -Bye, Chad. [ Lawnmower starts ] Hello? -What up? -Where's Phillip? -Oh, my uncle just hired me. I'm gonna be doing
your house now.
I'm Toby. -I'm gonna [bleep] that kid. ♪♪♪♪ -No, that's alright. I-I do think that is
what Descartes intended. For instance,
people who speak exist. You and I are speaking, therefore, you and I… -Exist? -Congratulations. You just used
your first Cartesian logic -Okay. -You know, I do hope you
continue to drop by, Chad. I really quite enjoy our visits. -Okay. ♪♪♪♪ No, thanks. -Oh, help. No. I-I'm so sorry. That was unbelievably
inappropriate behavior, Chad I… I apologize. I just —
I-I-I misread the moment. -Okay. -See, I mistook
your frequent visits here to mean… something more. -Aw. My bad. -No, it's…
not your fault at all. Truth be told, I've not
been myself of late. And this weekend, I… I'm getting married
to a beautiful young lady. -Oh, congrats. -And yet, I feel nothing, Chad Nothing!
-Okay.
-Oh, but that doesn't matter because it's all a part
of Daddy's master plan. You know, marry the rich gir
from Newport, become a professor
and achieve tenure by 40. God forbid
the great Leonard Buckley's so should feel the love
of another man! [ Globe shatters ]
-Oh, no, your globe. -I was drawn to you, Chad,
because, truth be told, I envy you. You're a man who lives his lif
free from doubt and worry. I want to be you, Chad. -Okay. -Oh, my word.
This is so pathetic. Look at me, I'm a 28 year ol
professor's assistant, pouring my heart out
to a sophomore's student.
Am I boring you? -Kind of. -Ugh. You can, of course,
leave at any time you wish and spare yourself my ramblings,
though I have to admit, having an ear to bend make
a welcomed respite fro– [ Door closes ] Chad? Chad?! Chad? -What up? -Would you mind skating
back here for a moment? There's something else
I wanted to say to you. -Oh, okay. -Chad, you passed it. -Oh, my bad.
-Chad, I hope we can forge about my brief lack of self-control today.
-Okay. -I truly hope that my action
haven't tainted our friendship -[ Chuckles ] "Taint." -And lastly, Chad,
I'd like to thank you because today, you taught me For a brief moment, I wasn't a spectator to my own life. I was living it. -[ Farts ] Safety. -[ Chuckles ] -You're right, Chad.
I should laugh more. Anyway… I'd appreciate it if you kep
what happened between us today a secret.
-Okay. -Hey, Chad. What the hell?
What's taking so long? -Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr.
Buckley tried to kiss me -Okay.
Are you hungry? -Uh-huh. -Oh, you're so right, Chad I shouldn't keep my secret
in the dark. ♪♪♪♪ Thank you, Chad. [ Laughter ] Thank you. ♪♪♪♪ [ Video game sound effects ] [ Humming ] ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ [ Laughter ] -Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive
from another land and free our world
from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name? -Chad. -The Dark Lord Azerhan
and his Army of Shadows has entombed our world
in ice and snow. -Only you can defeat him, Chad
-Okay. -We must inform the queen
of your arrival. -No need. I felt his presence. -[ Chuckles ] -I am Queen Chrysalis,
ruler of Etheria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.
-Okay. -There was a time
when these meadows bloomed and there is hope
they may bloom again, for today marks your coming.
-Heh heh. "Coming."
-You are the savior of Etheria So says the prophecy! -So says the prophecy! -Okay. -But you must undertake
a dangerous journey. You may return to your world
at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned. -He left.
-What? Go. -My liege.
-Yes. -Chad… why did you leave? -I was bored. -Can you come back for a moment?
We weren't done. -Okay. -Thank you, Chad. You have chosen
to follow your destiny. -First, you must climb the Mountain of Despair.
-Okay. -Then ford the River of Flame.
-Okay. -And survive the Forest
of Translucent Transgressions. -And after the veil of evi
is lifted, you will become King, and I will gift with you
my virginity.
-Dope. [ Laughter ] -After your journey. -Oh. Okay. -To aid you on this quest,
we give you these items. -From the
Order of the Centauri, I present you with
this map to guide you. Thousands of my kind died beyond
the mountains to create it May they rest with the gods. [ Wind gusts ]
[ Laughter ] -And from
the Kingdom of Dwarves, I give you the
Crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [ Twinkle! ]
-Gay. -And from the Elven Council, the sword
of the great warrior Ashton. ♪♪♪♪ -Safe travels, young warrior May the great gods bless you -Okay. ♪♪♪♪ -That boy is our last hope -I do not see a boy. I see a warrior. -Ha ha! Look! [ Laughter ] ♪♪♪♪ -Heh.
It's like his sword
is his penis. Very clever. -Okay. -Going once, going twice. Whoa!
Sold for a whopping $1,600 Congratulations to this lovely
young lady at table six. You have won breakfast
and a private tennis lesso with our head instructor,
Brandon. -[ Chuckles ] Heads up,
I'm gonna make you sweat. -At breakfast? -No. The tennis lesson. -Okay, you two go see Dana
to set that date. $1,600 is the biggest take
so far in our Orange Park Acres
Tennis Club Bachelor Auction Remember, all proceeds
from tonight go to our club's youth
traveling team. So keep those bids coming. Our next tennis club bachelo
works at the Club Pro Shop It's Chad. Uh, you may know Chad
from vaping in the parking lot You are bidding on
a lunch with Chad. So we'll start the bidding at,
I don't know, 50 bucks. Sound good, Chad?
-Okay. -Alright, do I hear $50? -Oh, my God. There's something
about that boy.
$50!
-$100. -$500. -$1,000. -Wow, uh, Chad's a hit. Anything to keep
those bids coming, man? You got any hidden
talents, Chad? -Uh, I-I made up a dance calle
"The Doink Doink." -Alright, let's see it. -Okay. ♪♪ Doink, doink ♪♪ ♪♪ Doink, doink ♪♪ ♪♪ Doink, doink, doink,
doink, doink ♪♪ Whoo! -Oh, my God. "The Doink Doink" is amazing -Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia -$5,000.
-Oh, typical Cecile. Jump in when the action's hot. -$10,000, and I'll raise
myself to $15,000. I must have the Doink Doink. -Go home, ladies! Patty's come to play. 30,000 damn dollars! -$50,000,
and that's a bargain. -Look, I am willing
to go to six figures, but I need more. What else does Chad
bring to the table? -Uh, any other talents, Chad -Uh, I-I could do an impressio
of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
This place is going to explode -$100,000.
I don't even need to hear it -What if it's not good? -Of course it'll be good.
It's Chad, you cow! -Just shut up.
All of you. Let Chad work. -Okay, uh… this is when
he's talking to his dog. [ As Jim Carrey ]
"Tomorrow is Christmas. It's practically here!" -$500,000. -$600,000. That sounded exactly
like the Grinch! -$700,000, and I didn't even see
"The Grinch." -I feel like I'm in
the Upside Down right now. Chad's Grinch impression
took us to 700 grand. Anything else you're hidin
from us, Chad? -Oh, uh, I can do a magic trick. -It's pointless, ladies. There's a reason you all call me
"Richy Bitch" behind my back I get what I want.
-Oh, quiet, pig! Look! -Boing, boing, boing, boing! Boing, boing, boing, boing Boing, boing, boing, boing! -$10 million! -$10 million going once, twice sold to the mystery man
in the fun coat! Who are you, sir? -It doesn't matter. What matters is the lunch
with Chad is mine! Have the boy cleaned
and taken to my lodge.
[ Laughter ] -Sounds kind of creepy.
Uh, you cool with that, Chad -Okay. -Okay. Big hand for Chad. Alright, Chad! Alright.
Onto our big-ticket item. We pulled a lot of strings
to get him here. Get your checkbooks ready
for our next bachelor, tennis legend John McEnroe [ Cheers and applause ] -How you doing?
-Good. -Tell us — What are they bidding on,
Mr. McEnroe? -Alright, I'm offering
a weekend stay at my estate, AKA, the Mac Shack. It includes a three-hour tenni
lesson from yours truly, a mixed doubles match with
Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf and, of course,
unlimited selfies with me, John McEnroe,
the bad boy of tennis. -Whoa! Okay. The bad boy of tennis. Ladies, start that bidding [ Laughter ] -What? You got to be kidding me. I'm John McEnroe, man! What do you ladies want? You can bring Chad along.
Is this what you want? Doink, doink! Doink, doink! Doink, doink -$20 million! -Now that is more like it. -Sold for $20 million! [ Applause ] -Oh, word?.
